


so i'm alright with a slow burn

by SaltyPistachio



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/F, Jealousy, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyPistachio/pseuds/SaltyPistachio
Summary: April turned away from her, stopping only to offer a quick: “Okay, well... bye, Sterl.”“I—  I’ll see you around!” Sterling called after her, bouncing on her toes a little....5 times Sterling and April come home separately and one time they visit together
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 170
Kudos: 732





	1. after high school

> "I'd leave the memory of you at the station, if I didn't already know the way home."
> 
> — Iain Thomas

* * *

  1. summer (after high school)



It had been a month since graduation and Sterling had spent most of it out of her hometown, roaming through Georgia and traveling down the long winding roads. No particular destination in mind— just driven by Blair’s gusto and their dwindling stack of cash. 

But they had blown through that pretty quickly and so they were forced to head back home, to the large houses and the familiar drawls of their country club friends and neighbors. 

They were about fifteen minutes away from home when Blair skidded into the grocery store parking lot and jumped out. “Let’s go,” she urged.

Sterling gave her a bewildered look but still moved to take her seatbelt off. “What are we doing, exactly?”

Blair rolled her eyes and swung her arms around as she headed across the lot to the store’s entrance. Sterling scurried after her and felt her shoulders relax as she was met with the store’s air conditioning. “I’ve got to pick some stuff up for mom,” Blair said. “Wanna grab the vegetables?”

Sterling nodded and headed down to the produce section, abruptly spinning around and marching back to the brunette. “Okay, um, what kind?”

Blair spread her arms out and gave her a ‘ _how the fuck should I know_ ’ face. “The green kind, I guess? I don’t know, Sterl. What does mom use?”

“Alright, alright! I’ll just figure it out.”

The shorter twin huffed and waved her away, already pulling her phone out of her back pocket and smiling down at the name on the screen. Sterling watched her go with narrowed eyes and a slight pout— Blair had been very secretive about whoever she was texting, despite their twin swear regarding secrets. But Sterling knew a thing or two about hidden relationships so she tried not to crowd her sister.

As if summoned by the thought of an illicit affair, April Stevens veered out of the baking aisle, her head down as she peered intently at the piece of paper she held in her hand. Sterling felt the corners of her lips twitch upwards and her heart skipped happily in her chest. Of course April Stevens was the kind of girl to write down her grocery list on paper rather than use her notes app. 

She found herself sauntering over, her lame attempts at stealth making her feel gangly in a way she hadn’t felt since middle school when she shot up like a weed overnight. 

“Paper. The blight of most rainforests,” she stated, wincing as soon as the words fell out of her mouth. Not the best move to walk up to her ex and echo a line from the start of their relationship.

April stepped back, eyes wide in alarm until she realized who the tall blonde in front of her was. “Sterling! What are you doing here?” she asked.

Sterling gestured around them and let her hands flop to her sides. “Just shopping.”

“Right. Me too.” April looked uncomfortably rigid and her eyes bore into Sterling’s, a little wary but mostly melancholic. It had been two years since their failed relationship but any mention or reference to it always made April tense, so Sterling did her best to not bring it up. Even though she thought of it often and constantly wondered what would have happened had things been different. 

“So,” she said, elongating the vowel, “When do you leave for school?”

“Two weeks.”

Sterling nodded along. “Nice. I leave at the end of the month.”

April gave her a polite smile and they stood there awkwardly, eyes darting everywhere but at each other. April looked down at her shoes and then back up at Sterling. “I should go. My dad’s waiting for me at the checkout,” she said quietly.

Sterling’s heart began to hammer for an entirely different reason. “Yeah, me too. I’ve got to find some vegetables.”

April turned away from her, stopping only to offer a quick: “Okay, well... bye, Sterl.”

“I— I’ll see you around!” Sterling called after her, bouncing on her toes a little. She shook her head and let out a heavy sigh. She headed down to the produce section and missed the look April threw over her shoulder. Pained eyes belied by a rueful, yet fond grin that sat crookedly on her face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments keep me fed
> 
> thanks for reading!


	2. sophomore year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it really be like that sometimes

> "I think here I will leave you. It has come to seem there is no perfect ending. Indeed, there are infinite endings. Or perhaps, once one begins, there are only endings."
> 
> — Louise Glück

* * *

2\. Winter break (sophomore year)

Sterling didn’t know what compelled her to bring Jackson home so early in their relationship, but there they were— sitting at the country club’s restaurant sharing stories with her parents while Blair rolled her eyes every now and then. She had deemed Jackson ‘too boring for a badass woman like her kickass sister’, but Sterling liked him. He was sweet and earnest, very much like Luke in some ways but better at sex. That was his only redeeming quality in Blair’s eyes.

They had finished their meal and her dad began patting his pockets wildly, closing his eyes in frustration when he came up empty-handed. “Gosh darn it, I forgot my wallet in the car. Blair, honey, could you go get it please?”

Blair crossed her arms and leaned back into her seat, shifting around to get more comfortable. “Why doesn’t Sterling do it?”

“Blair,” her mom warned. 

“It’s okay,” Sterling said, rising from her seat. “I need to grab something from the car anyway.” She leaned down to kiss Jackson’s cheek, rough and full of stubble she had tried to convince him to shave off to no avail.

She was two steps out of the door when she bumped into someone. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she rushed to say. 

She curled her hand around the other person’s elbows to help steady them and didn’t let go when she realized who she held. 

“April,” she gaped.

The other girl stepped back and ran her fingers through her meticulous ponytail, looking no different than the last time Sterling saw her— with the exception of slightly more defined cheekbones. “Hello, Sterling. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Good. Well. And you?”

“I’m doing well, thank you for asking.”

Sterling swayed unevenly on her feet. She wanted to step closer. She wanted to cradle April’s smooth, feminine face and turn her nervous expression into one of adoration. She was sixteen all over again— desperately wanting to hold this girl’s hand. Wanting their town and the world to reckon with the force named April. She wanted to stand by her side and watch in awe as they’d cut everyone to their knees. 

(But Sterling wanted a lot of things and God didn’t always agree. So she bit her tongue and made do with what she could.) 

Sterling had never told anyone (Blair), but she had thought of April a lot over the years. The last time she had seen her in person was around two years ago, at the grocery store before they had left for college. She still kept up with the other girl’s Instagram, she liked all her pictures and even commented on some, but she never went so far as to reach out. Something always held her back. 

“What are you doing here?” Sterling asked, wanting to prolong the conversation for as long as possible.

April scrunched her nose and Sterling couldn’t stop the goofy grin that slid across her face at the sight. “My mom has a tennis match and I’m here in… support.”

Sterling snorted and ducked her head. She made the mistake of turning it slightly and caught Blair looking straight at her. 

_Dude, what the fuck are you doing?_

_Nothing! It’s just… I ran into April._

_Yeah, no duh. It looks like you want to shove your face up her pu—_

_Blair!_

_Well, I’m not wrong._

_She’s my friend._

_I’ve got friends and I wouldn’t want to scissor any of them. Well, not all of them._

_We’ve been over this— scissoring isn’t really a thing. And who would you scissor?_

_It doesn’t matter. Look, I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever—_

_Bisexual._

_Or whatever! But just don’t eye-fuck your ex-lover in a room full of stick-up-their-asses Republicans._

“He seems competent. Dull, but... nice”

Sterling whirled around to look at April, who gestured in the direction where her family and Jackson were sitting. A wave of anxiety rolled throughout her stomach and she half-reached for April, her hand coming to a stop as it hovered over the smaller girl’s arm. She pulled it back and clasped both hands in front of her, nails digging into the soft skin at the back of her hand. She found herself formulating an apology in her head, not quite sure what she was apologizing for in the first place. “He is. Nice, I mean. We met in bible study.”

“I’m glad you expanded your horizons in college,” April sniped. Her lips settled into a thin line and she refused to meet Sterling’s eyes.

Sterling crossed her arms and tilted her chin. “I’ll have you know that I actually hooked up with a girl last semester. Like, a lot.”

If anything, that made April purse her lips tighter, and the little dip by her right eye deepened into a crevice. “Good for you.”

Sterling shifted and her arms fell to her sides. She played with the hem of her shirt, her fingers twisting the thin material and wrinkling the bottom part. “Have you met anyone?” she asked, her voice low and meek. She was dreading April’s answer but she knew it would ring around her head for the rest of the trip if she didn’t get a solid response. 

April gave her a strange look. No less intense than her usual ones but very much searching for something in Sterling she wasn’t sure she had. “No,” she said slowly. “There hasn’t been anyone.”

_Since you_ went unspoken. 

She washed away the relief she felt and forced her head to turn in her boyfriend’s direction, where she could hear him laugh at something her dad said. He met her eyes and gave her a goofy wave. She lifted her hand weakly in response.

(She thinks this will be the first and last time her town will host Jackson.)

“It seems you have a type,” April cut in. Sterling turned to face her but April was looking away, opposite of the Wesleys. “Dumb and loyal.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Sterling teased, instantly regretting it once she saw how April’s face twisted in grief and pain. 

April cleared her throat and took several steps back, the bubble they’d created on the verge of popping. “I’ve got to go,” she muttered. 

Soap-suds flew around them as April hurried away and Sterling was left watching her retreating back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always: comments keep me fed
> 
> thanks for reading!


	3. junior year

> “When I was little, I asked my pastor if Judas had been in love with Jesus. He sent me back to my mother early, with a note for her to explain 'things'. But no matter what anyone said, I couldn’t be convinced that the Bible was anything less than a love story. (I kissed your cheek in front of them all and in doing so, I think I damned the both of us. You, to be left crucified and bleeding and paying for my sins. Me to be left wandering and wanting and never to see your face again.)” — K. Wright

* * *

3\. fall (junior year)

Her parents wouldn’t be flying any pride flags outside of their home anytime soon, but they did have little desk-sized ones situated around the house. There was one in the flower vase in the kitchen and another above the fireplace and Sterling was positive she had also seen one in her parents’ room when she went in to fetch her dad’s wallet. 

It was the bare minimum but it was much better than she expected when she had first told them last year. They danced around the topic for as long as they could but Blair kept forcing them to talk about LGBT issues at dinner when they were both home for break. Which, in retrospect, probably made their parents dig their heels in longer but Sterling appreciated her sister’s unwavering support and her willingness to bulldoze through their parents’ comfort zone. Blair was a creature of chaos and she bore the mantle proudly. 

Which is why they were receiving a lecture at the age of 21 like they were ten all over again and had to be explained (in great detail) why throwing water balloons at their neighbors wasn’t very Chrisitan-like. 

“So while we are accepting of who you are, I think it’s for the best if we don’t mention it to anybody at the potluck,” her mother suggested gently. 

Blair scoffed and crossed her arms. “You’re suppressing my American rights and I won’t stand for it.”

“Honey,” her dad started.

“No! I’m a proud ally and you can’t change that about me!”

Sterling let out a heavy sigh and propped her cheek in her hand as she turned towards Blair, who wore a denim jacket over her dress adorned with rainbow pins and a bisexual flag. She wasn’t going to lie — her sister looked good.

After a fierce debate between Blair and their mom (with some passive remarks from their dad), the Wesleys soon found themselves standing in the church’s parking lot, Sterling holding the mashed potatoes for the Thanksgiving potluck and Blair holding the lighter cutlery.

The church was as massive and orderly as it always had been. The doors shut tight as people milled out back, sitting in the cool shade or walking around with plates full of food in their hands. The younger kids sat on the back steps, heads pressed together as they looked over each others’ shoulders to peer down at the phones in their hands.

It seemed like everyone who went to the usual Sunday masses was at the potluck. Sterling had to repeatedly duck behind her smaller sister to dodge Luke; they’d stayed friendly after high school but now that she had broken up with Jackson, she didn’t want Luke to get the wrong idea.

During one of her many maneuverings, she thought she saw a familiar head of luscious dirty-blonde hair bob between the waves of people. She mentioned this to Blair as nonchalantly as she could and got an incredulous scoff in return. “Dude, we’re at a white, Christian potluck in the rich part of Atlanta. Ninety percent of the people here are some shade of blonde.”

Maybe her sister had a point, but Sterling knew that hair; had mooned over it enough in her last two years of high school. 

“I need to use the restroom,” she blurted out, her gaze never leaving the head that weaved through the crowd. She could almost feel Blair roll her eyes next to her. 

“Whatever. Tell her I like her dress.”

Sterling smacked her sister in the stomach with the back of her hand. “You saw her and you didn’t tell me?”

“I was doing you a favor! I’m the most unappreciated member in this family, I swear.”

Sterling hummed and walked towards the edges of the gathering, dodging nosy neighbors as she kept her eyes on the massive magnolia tree April stood under, glaring down at her phone. April seemed so engrossed in her furious typing that she had yet to notice Sterling standing a few feet away from her. 

Sterling cleared her throat. 

No response.

She did it again. 

Short, painted nails tapped angrily at the phone’s screen.

“Hey April!” she practically shouted. 

April fumbled with her phone and glared at Sterling once she had it safely in her grasp. “Sterling,” she greeted, green eyes darting in the direction of the potluck behind them. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh I’m doing fine, thank you for asking. You?” 

“I’m well.”

The air between them was stifling and the sun’s rays wrapped themselves around Sterling, keeping her under nature’s inquisitive light so the Lord could laugh at her pathetic attempts to reconnect with a past she’d be better off forgetting.

But Sterling was stubborn. “Who were you texting?”

April stiffened and her knuckles whitened as they gripped her phone to her chest. “I don’t believe that’s any of your business,” she snapped.

Sterling stepped back and raised her hands in supplication. “I’m sorry. It’s just… you looked upset and I wanted to know if I could help.”

“Shouldn’t you go look for a dark corner somewhere? To desecrate the Lord’s home with your boyfriend?” April sneered. This biting push and pull was familiar, calling Sterling to succumb to its tides and engage. She had half a mind to find Luke and relieve the stress she felt building behind her eyes and the molten arousal lapping at her insides. 

(April always made her feel too much. And Sterling was always left with the excess she couldn’t destroy.)

Sterling cocked her head and peered down at April guilelessly. “I don’t have a boyfriend anymore,” she informed her softly. “We broke up.”

The wind blew out of April’s sails and her body slumped in defeat. Her eyes rounded with curiosity but she caught herself and narrowed them instead. “Oh. Good for you I suppose.”

Sterling did her best to tamper the grin she felt forming. “I suppose.” 

April let out a little smile and Sterling went lightheaded; maybe there was something that could be salvaged from their wreckage. But then April’s phone pinged and her smile faded as quickly as it came. She looked down at her phone and Sterling looked at her, watching as the shorter girl’s jaw flexed in frustration. There was another ping and April let out a heavy sigh, glancing up at Sterling warily. “My parents are going through a rough patch at the moment. They need me to mediate,” she said quietly.

The anger that rushed through Sterling became too overwhelming to contain. “That’s bullshit,” she scoffed. “Their marriage shouldn’t depend on you. And, no offense, but they’re only now hitting a rough patch?”

April’s defeated frown turned into a scowl and she took a step back, bumping into the tree, thrown off by Sterling's intensity but recovering quickly. “It’s been building for a while. But since I’ve left the house… things are coming to a head.”

Sterling searched through April’s familiar face and softened her next words. “Do you want them to get a divorce?”

“I— I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”

April had shrunk in on herself; all of her confidence and bravado leaking out of her like a pricked balloon. Sterling bit the inside of her cheek and knew that what she would do next was reckless and stupid. But April was upset and she couldn’t let that stand. 

Sterling reached out and placed a gentle hand on April’s arm, feeling as she tensed, muscles coiled and ready to erupt. She peeked over her shoulder— nobody cared about the two girls under the tree. They were all too busy spinning the rumor mill. She slowly stepped forward and dipped her head to press a light kiss along the shorter girl’s cheekbones. Her lips curled in delight when she heard a sharp intake and she squeezed April’s arm one last time before she stepped back. 

April’s breathing was off and her eyes had turned doe-eyed, all the uncertain ferocity had thawed into defensive fear. Her throat was bobbing too quickly like she had something stuck in there that threatened to choke her. Her head angled towards the ground in a pose Sterling thought familiar.

(Like Christ on the cross. His crown of thorns weighing his head down to look at those who crucified him in the first place.)

“See you around, April.”

She heard the faint call of her name linger in the air behind her as she walked back into the fray that littered in front of the church’s imposing shadow. She paused and threw a final glance over her shoulder “Blair likes your dress by the way!” she called out. 

(She spent the rest of the break hoping she made April’s load lighter instead of hammering another nail into the girl.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!!


	4. senior year

> "It is love...
> 
> The name of a woman gives me away.
> 
> A woman hurts me in all of my body."
> 
> — Jorge Luis Borges

* * *

Her break was quickly coming to a close and Sterling had spent most of it out of the house, hoping to catch a glimpse of a certain up-tight girl that wouldn’t leave her mind. She had always lingered in the recesses of Sterling’s mind, but she came into clearer focus over winter break, when there had been an influx in her Instagram stories and Sterling had replayed each one until they were seared on the back of her eyelids. 

April had gone to New York and had shared the wintery wonderland with all her followers. She had looked beautiful, with snowflakes in her hair and her green eyes illuminated by all of the city’s lights and grandeur. Her stories and posts had left Sterling mesmerized. 

Except.

There had been another girl that lingered at the edges, her face hidden but her presence very much intruding on the otherwise perfect pictures. Sterling had spent an embarrassing amount of time scrolling through April’s friend list to attempt to discover the identity of the mystery girl, but April followed too many white girls and so she had given up pretty quickly.

Sterling had resigned herself to missing April once again this break (despite her many off-handed prayers to the Lord for a small glimpse) and so allowed her mom to drag her out of the house and into the grocery store, where she sulked behind her— half-heartedly humming along with the music that played over the loudspeakers. 

They were at the checkout line when her mother abruptly smacked her palm against her forehead. “Shoot. I forgot your sister’s protein bars. Would you mind fetching them for me, honey?”

“Sure thing, mom.” 

She half-ran towards the designated aisle and careened into a familiar dirty-haired blonde. Her face split into a wide grin and her heart lurched at the unexpected surprise. “April!” 

April, who had been staring intently at the different protein bar options, jumped back and tensed up. But Sterling saw as her whole body sunk in relief when she noticed who stood in front of her. 

“Sterling! What a surprise,” April said, the words detached but the tone fond. 

“I hoped I’d run into you,” Sterling said, the words slipping out of her mouth before she could filter them. “I’ve thought about you a lot.”

April’s crooked grin began to surface and her eyes crinkled in joy. Sterling felt sixteen and uncertain again; like she was back at FunZone and was anxiously awaiting to see what the shorter girl’s next move would be. 

Her maxilla was beginning to numb. 

Somebody cleared their throat and it was then she realized that April was not alone. The girl next to her was _hot_. With long legs emphasized by the shorts she wore and sun-kissed hair that fell into gentle waves. Sterling reached up to touch her own straight, bland hair and had to forcibly stop herself from playing with it’s ends. The gorgeous girl was tall as well, only a couple inches taller than Sterling, but her confidence and piercing stare made Sterling feel two-inches tall. Her face was artfully done with immaculate makeup that highlighted her sharp cheekbones and her cutting eyebrows that were now raised in appraisal as her clear blue eyes raked over the girl in front of her. (Sterling became painfully aware of her own make-up free face.)

The model’s hand fell onto the small of April’s back and the shorter girl startled, tearing her eyes away from Sterling and focusing her gaze up at the new girl. “Oh, this is Claire,” she told Sterling offhandedly. 

“Like Blair!” blurted out Sterling.

There was an awkward beat where nobody knew what to say. “She— It— Your name rhymes with Blair,” Sterling informed Claire, her ears starting to burn. She avoided April’s incredulous stare. “That’s my sister. My twin. Well, my cousin actually. It’s kind of a long story.”

Claire’s smile was too wide to be comfortable. Sterling could see how the edges wavered in effort. “Sounds like it,” she replied. 

_I want to drown myself_

_In a bottle of her perfume_ crooned the loudspeakers. 

“What brings you here?” Sterling asked loudly, trying to drown out the song playing overhead. 

Claire looked down at April, a flash of panic sliding over the shorter girl’s face. An iciness spread through Sterling’s chest and her heart began to beat faster; she rifled through the glimpses she’d seen on April’s Instagram and began forming a collage of the mystery girl that was starting to resemble Claire.

“Claire is my… friend. She wasn’t able to go home to her family so I did what any good Christian would do and invited her home.”

Sterling nodded in understanding and turned to Claire, her smile forced and full of teeth. “Are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Yeah,” shrugged Claire. “It’s quaint here.”

Sterling shot April a startled look. Quaint? This was a town full of wealthy white Republicans. Where did Claire come from?

April gave her a warning look in response and curled her hand around Claire’s elbow. Sterling found herself squeezing the bars she held in her hand as all her focus drifted to that point of connection. “We have to go. My parents are waiting for us at the club for brunch,” April said, smiling up at Claire.

Sterling cleared her throat, the pit of annoyance in her stomach flaring into something much stronger and all-consuming that she didn’t want to acknowledge. It felt a lot like the night at the lock-in, when she had to sit through April flirting with Luke, except much worse because Luke had never been an actual threat. “Right, well. I will see y’all around. Maybe.”

Claire nodded at her and turned away, heading towards the exit. April lingered and gave Sterling one final smile, a small one tinged with an unspoken apology. “Bye, Sterl.”

Sterling trudged back to her mom, her spirits low and her head swarming with thoughts too loud to ignore. She was too late. Their time had passed and trying to get those moments back was like trying to catch smoke with her hands, futile and only possible in dreams.

“Hey, honey. Was that April Stevens I saw leaving?”

“Yep.”

“Who was that girl she was with?”

Sterling bit her lip. She knew her mom probably wouldn’t care about April’s sexuality. She knew that if she asked, her mom would keep it a secret— she owed Sterling that much. But it wasn’t her secret to tell, and today made it clear that she had no say in April’s life. Not anymore.

“Some friend. She couldn’t go home so April invited her here.”

“Oh, well that was nice of her,” her mom said absentmindedly, too busy placing the eggs on the conveyor belt. “You know, I always thought she was a sweet girl. I never understood why you let one little misunderstanding get in the way of your friendship. You two could have been so close.”

Sterling shrugged and helped her mom load the groceries onto the belt, letting the music soak in and beat along with her bruised heart.

_I got a girl crush_

_Hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush_

_It ain’t slowing down_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are much appreciated
> 
> thanks for reading!


	5. after college

> "In my dream I am kissing your mouth and you're whispering 'where have you been?' I say, 'I've been lost but I'm here now. You're the only person who has ever been able to find me.'"
> 
> \-- Sue Zhao

* * *

5\. summer (after college)

Sterling was now an adult. An official, honest-to-God adult who could no longer hide behind course lectures and college parties. She needed to get her life together.

Which is why she found herself back home, avoiding all responsibilities by walking along the park, occasionally kicking pebbles into the pond to her right. 

If she was being completely honest, she was a little afraid. Her whole life had been governed by external forces such as teachers and grades. She had always known what to do to get results. But now there were no guides. She needed to figure out what she wanted all on her own. 

Which proved to be an overwhelming thought. 

As Sterling began to spiral, she walked past a bereft woman sitting on a bench overlooking the pond. Her hair had been cut short, now it barely brushed her shoulders, and the usual confidence she wore was gone as she slumped over upon herself, head in hands. But Sterling would recognize this woman anywhere. She’d spent most of her life noticing her, after all. 

“April,” she called out. She missed having the other woman’s name fall out of her lips. 

(Sterling was always particularly morose whenever the fourth month rolled around, a pang echoing through her chest when she thought of what she had lost.)

The woman stood up quickly, her hands hastily reaching up to do away with the tears lining her eyes. “Sterling,” she acknowledged, her voice tight and choked. 

Sterling stepped closer, her hands outstretched in an offering of some sort. Her fingers trembled as they hovered over April’s arm, her mind too quick and her mouth too slow as she tried to find the right words to say. She couldn’t so she settled on asking, “Are you okay?”

April’s jaw clenched and she nodded succinctly. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sterling took another step forward. “You’re crying.”

“No I’m not.”

Sterling dropped her arms and stood in front of April feeling useless. Her heart beat erratically, it lurched and dropped to her stomach. She knew what she had to ask but _God_ , did she have to? 

(If it would help April, then yes. Yes, a million times yes.)

(Sterling couldn’t do much for April, but she could do this.)

She cleared her throat. “Where’s Claire?”

April rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. “She broke up with me. I was too far in the closet for her.” April squinted her eyes as she tried to remember something. “I think she made an allusion to Narnia.” 

Sterling swallowed her ecstasy and feigned sympathy. “Oh, I— I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Are you really?”

“Would it be Christian-like of me to say no?”

April let out a little huff of laughter as she looked away from Sterling and out to the pond. She looked beautiful. Red-rimmed eyes and runny nose and all. The air around her was heavy and her shoulders were bent in defeat, the world pressing down and doing it’s best to break her. But Sterling knew April, knew she was forged of fire and steel. April Stevens was made to carry the heavens. 

(Sterling wished she would share the burden.)

“I told them,” April whispered, still not meeting Sterling’s eyes.

Sterling could feel her heart leap to her throat and her vision blurred, her world tilting and spinning until it stopped and everything came into focus. April bright and clear against the background. 

“How’d it go?” she asked tentatively. 

April finally turned to look at her with an exasperated glare, eyes wet and glistening. “How do you think?”

Sterling looked down at her shoes. “Right,” she said quietly.

April crossed her arms and tilted her chin in defiance. “I knew this would happen. I’m not all that surprised.”

Sterling bit her lip. “So why’d you do it?” Her heart clenched and a chill ran down her spine, despite the heat that enveloped them. “Did you— Was it for Claire? Are you trying to get her back?”

April gave her a strange look. The same one she wore when Sterling had brought up Naomi and Ruth, all those years go. “No. I did it for myself.”

“That’s good.” They stood in silence for a few moments, glancing at each other but never meeting each other's eyes. Sterling fidgeted in place. “Are you… safe? At home?”

April scoffed and bit her quivering lip. “I don’t think they’ll want to see me anytime soon.”

“Come home with me.”

April’s head snapped towards Sterling. “Excuse me?” she asked incredulously.

Sterling swallowed and shifted. “I meant… come to my house. My parents’ house. Stay with us.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Sterling lunged at her, grasping her shoulders desperately. “Please, April. For me.”

April’s lovely green eyes shone once more. “Fine.”

Sterling didn’t let go. “I think I know.”  
  


“What are you talking about?”  
  


“About our ‘maybe someday’.”  
  


Sterling grinned as she saw April’s face run through a marathon of emotions: confusion, elation, despair, tentative hope, and stop on a professional blankness. Her chin tilted upwards in false bravado. “What’s the verdict?”  
  


“I think it starts today.”  
  


April gave Sterling a forlorn stare, her mouth wavering as she tried to find the right words, and Sterling took the opportunity to slide her arms over April’s shoulders and brought the shorter woman flush against her own body. April leaned back in alarm but her hands gripped at Sterling's waist, holding her in place. “What are you doing?” she breathed, her eyes wide and afraid.  
  


Sterling shrugged, her grin widening into a reassuring beam. “I really want to kiss you.”  
  


April's fingers dug into Sterling’s waist to an almost painful degree, but Sterling had missed her intensity. She didn’t mind a few extra bruises scattering along her hip bones if it meant proof of April’s desire. 

“Here?” She sounded small and lost and something in Sterling ached at that. April Stevens was the bravest woman Sterling knew.

She just needed a helping hand to see it herself.  
  


“Not if you don’t want to. I’ve grown. I can be patient. I’ll wait for you.”  
  


April’s jaw tensed and Sterling reached to soothe it. April captured her hand and held it against her cheek, a tear leaking out of the corner of her eye. “I don’t want you to waste your time on me.”  
  


Sterling shook her head. “I think you’re it for me, April Stevens,” she whispered. 

She pressed her forehead against April’s, cautious and gentle, and they breathed out as one.

(When they went home, April’s bags at their feet and hands linked between them, her parents gaped confusedly as Blair shot Sterling a knowing look through narrowed eyes. Sterling smiled and shrugged, squeezing April’s hand. “April’s going to be staying with me,” she informed her parents.)

(April did not stay with her.)

(Instead, Sterling’s parents set her up in the guest room down the hall.)

(They had strong feelings about premarital cohabitation.)  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments sustain me
> 
> thanks for reading!


	6. winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to keep y'all waiting
> 
> i hope this makes up for it

> "I have never loved before as I love you, - with such tenderness - to the point of tears - and with such a sense of radiance."
> 
> — Vladimir Naboko
> 
> * * *
> 
> winter (ten years after the first kiss)

“We brought the gifts, right?”

“Yes, for the thousandth time, we brought the gifts.  _ All _ of them.”

There was a long beat. 

“And you remembered to pack Bowser’s?”

“...wait, was I supposed to bring that?”

“Sterling!”

The taller woman laughed as she pulled into her parents’ driveway. “I’m kidding! It’s in the trunk. Stop worrying,” she soothed. 

April fidgeted in her seat and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.  _ It was growing again, _ Sterling thought absentmindedly as she parked the car. She loved April and supported everything she did— from career moves to fashion choices— but she had to admit she mourned April’s long hair whenever she got a haircut. Sterling loved to run her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair, especially in the morning when it was frizzy and unkempt.

It had been ten years since their first kiss and four since they’d given their relationship a second chance. 

(A little over twenty years since Sterling had first met a righteous chubby-cheeked April. She remembered how angry the other girl was on the first day of kindergarten, when Blair had the audacity to color the sky purple instead of blue and how her face scrunched up when Sterling had accidentally stepped on her new crayons.

But she also remembered third grade and a morose April sitting alone— a vacuum of loneliness at her side where Adele Meisner once sat.

She remembered shared juice boxes and a jealous Blair.

She remembered sleepovers and secrets and screams whenever Blair would tumble into their fort, a wrecking ball of chaos.

She remembered Sunday masses and practiced confessions and blasphemous communions where they’d place torn up pieces of Fruit by the Foot so tenderly in each other’s mouths that it felt like they were a part of their own religion. 

She remembered her passivity as Blair and April debated over the stupidest things and now, years later, Sterling wondered whether she joined Forensics for herself or if it all connected back to April.

But to this day, she doesn’t remember giving April away.

She hopes she never will)

It wasn’t always easy. There were times when their relationship was so tumultuous, Sterling was surprised it hadn’t been swept away in their more thunderous moments. There were days when April snapped at Sterling over little details— Sterling had forgotten to take out the trash, she didn’t unload the dishwasher, she made plans for the two of them without consulting April. 

In turn, there were days when Sterling retaliated, fierce and furious and too much. She knew April, knew where to cut to make her bleed. 

(There had been one argument where Sterling had spit out John Stevens and his long list of sins and April stormed out, disappearing for two days and returning on the third, quiet and withdrawn, but home nonetheless. Her father was never brought up again.)

But there were days when everything felt so light; days when Sterling was certain she could live off of April’s smile alone. When they’d curl up on their couch and April would put on some  _ Star Wars _ movie while Sterling just wanted to see the documentary with the baby lions. 

Sterling lived for the pockets of domesticity they’d created— her hand on April’s lower back when they crossed the street, the incredulous smiles they exchanged when someone said something incredibly stupid, the inside jokes that would have Sterling doubling over in the middle of a grocery aisle on a Sunday afternoon.

She lived for the days where they’d stroll by the park a couple of blocks away from their home, interlocked hands swinging between them, April gently tugging Sterling towards the pet adoption fair. Casually remarking on the kittens they strolled past.

(Sterling knew April. Knew how she planned and perfected. Knew of the bookmarked pages hidden in her laptop full of wide-eyed kittens looking for a home.)

For the days when Sterling planned her lunch break around April. Ducking out a little earlier than she should to surprise April at work with take-out from her favorite restaurant. Basking in the [simple holiness] of seeing April’s eyes light up and her lips slide into her familiar crooked smile. Ignoring the low whistles and not-so-subtle winks thrown in her direction by April’s colleagues.

She lived for the simple moments when she’d wake up and April wasn’t in bed. When Sterling would have to plod into the kitchen, bleary-eyed and cold, to find April in the kitchen, flipping pancakes and swearing under her breath whenever one fell to the floor. Snarking about diabetes but still adding chocolate chips to Sterling’s pancakes and topping them with whipped cream. 

The moments where they’d sit next to each other in their favorite pew (the one by the stained glass window of Ruth) and link their pinkies together as they listened to their pastor preach about love and inclusivity and acceptance. 

The hours when April would stride into the living room where Sterling was idling time away and start ranting about a case she was working on or a politician’s policy she dissected to hell and back. Sterling would simply sit back and just watch the way April’s eyes gleamed and how she leaned into her arguments. 

(Those moments often led to them both in bed or on the couch or whatever flat surface they could reach with April’s chest heaving for completely different reasons.)

She loved her life and she loved the woman in it. She wanted this woman by her side forever. 

The one who was currently trembling in her seat, eyes darting nervously in the direction of Sterling’s childhood home. As much as she tried to help her girlfriend, Sterling knew that something about their hometown would always wither away at the stubborn blonde by her side. Would transform her back into the teenager from FunZone; the one who had looked around anxiously before placing her palm against Sterling’s maxilla.    
  


Sterling did her best to be supportive, but she understood that this was something April had to figure out on her own. She had taken great strides though. April would often hold Sterling’s hand around town and would even lean up to give her light pecks on the cheek when she was feeling particularly defiant or affectionate. She even went so far as to introduce Sterling as her girlfriend once. 

(Granted, it had been to Ellen, but still. Sterling was proud of April.) 

She reached over and took her girlfriend’s hand, rubbing small circles on the back of it with her thumb. “Hey,” she whispered. “It’s going to be okay. It’s just a quick visit and we’ll be home in no time.”

April breathed in deeply and nodded quickly. “I know that. It’s just different this year.”

“Different how?”

April shot her a side-glance and Sterling felt herself pale, could hear her blood pounding between her ears. Did April know? After all the painful steps Sterling had gone through to keep her plan a secret? 

(A secret and never a lie. Sterling could never lie to April. Would never  _ want _ to lie to April. She respected her too much to undermine the fierce woman in such a trivial way.)

“Just different.” April bit her lip and looked out the window at the hedges that separated the Wesleys’ home from their neighbors. “I have to make sure I stay in your parents' good graces. I refuse to be dethroned by Blair’s new beau,” she sniffed. 

Sterling laughed in relief, the sound too high-pitched to be normal but April blessedly overlooked it. “Don’t worry, babe. Nobody could ever replace you.”

April hummed in agreement and squeezed Sterling’s hand, drawing strength from it. She straightened her shoulders and leaned across the console to peck Sterling’s cheek. “I’ve got you?” she murmured in Sterling’s ear, smirking at the shiver it produced.

Sterling turned and brushed her nose against April’s. “I’ve got you.”

“And I’ve got you.”

They met in the middle with a slow, sweet kiss. Time stilling and encasing Sterling and April in warm amber, immortalizing this tiny, inconsequential moment. 

(Years later, when their children would ask for this portion of their story, both women would smile fondly at each other and remember the little cave of happiness they’d carved out for each other in the car that day.)

They broke apart when they heard a shout from outside. Blair stood out by the front door, frantically waving her hands around with a panicked look on her face. Sterling had no doubt that Debbie Wesley had started interrogating Blair’s new partner.

April giggled and Sterling grinned and they both moved to get out. Sterling stumbled out of the car, stretching her legs and she quickly patted her jacket’s pocket, unable to stop the smile that crawled across her face when she felt the small velvet box on her. 

“You ready, babe?” she called out to April, who was frantically rummaging around the glove compartment. 

“Just a moment!”

Sterling’s childhood home looked warm and inviting, all done up in Christmas lights with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air to reach her. She could see the Christmas tree from where she stood, Blair picking at the popcorn on the string and messing with the hideous elf-on-a-shelf that still gave Sterling nightmares. She knew she’d find it in her room tonight— one of the many ways Blair liked to mess with her. At least she’d have April to cuddle up with. 

She idly wondered if a proposal done on Christmas morning was too cheesy ( _ too hetero _ as April liked to complain), but then she realized how little she cared. She wanted to marry April. Why wait any longer?

April came up behind her and slid her arm around Sterling’s waist, gently pushing her forwards to where their family waited. 

  
(Sterling failed to notice the little black box April pocketed.)   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really hoped i nailed the landing there. at least i did better than Netflix and gave them an actual ending, am i right?


End file.
